


The G-Man posts NSFW in #general

by ak_47partisanrifle



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 23:15:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30012471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ak_47partisanrifle/pseuds/ak_47partisanrifle
Kudos: 6





	The G-Man posts NSFW in #general

The interdimensional bureaucrat looked at the computer screen. He placed his fingers on the keyboard, feeling every groove, nick and cranny in the gaps between each key. He then put pressure on one key, before putting more pressure on the other keys. After this, he clicked on a symbol. He scrolled down, before clicking and pressing a key.

G-Man today at 2:12 PM

Hello everyone, my employers have informed me that in order to keep my position, I shall do an errand for them. This is that errand. Behold, Not Safe For Work content in #general.

*G-Man sent an attachment.*

Agent Calhoun today at 2:13 PM

hey what the fuck

Alyx today at 2:13 PM

who the fuck are you

Dr. Vance today at 2:14 PM

sweetie, no cursing. Also, what the hell is wrong with you? theres a kid here

G-Man today at 2:15 PM

I'll have you know that I was ordered to do this by my employers. It was either this, or having my... assignment terminated? Hm? Anyway, I would rather... keep, doing all this rather than put myself in an unfortunate situation due to my sense of dignity.

The Administrator today at 2:16 PM

-ban @G-man posting nsfw in general

BM VOX today at 2:16 PM

 **The Administrator** banned **G-Man#2543** for posting nsfw in general

He let out a curse upon seeing the familiar home screen of the communications website. No matter. He would pay for his mistake soon enough.

G-Man today at 2:25 PM

Mr. Breen. It has come to the attention of my employers that you have taken action against me. My employers are most displeased by this new development, and would like you to undo my banishment from the Black Mesa communications server. I pray that you make the sensible choice.

Wallace Breen today at 2:40 PM

Fine. Don't do it again.

G-Man today at 2:41 PM

Mr. Breen, you and I both know who is in control here.

The man's lips curled into a smile as he clicked on the main channel of the communications server. He glanced at board. If he wanted to get away with it a second time, he would need a pawn. And he knew just who to ask. He clicked on a contact.

* * *

G-Man today at 2:56 PM

Mr. Freeman. I would like you to post Not Safe For Work content in the #general or main channel of the Black Mesa communications server. My employers have... allowed me to choose someone to act as a proxy for me. And I have chosen you.

He stared at the screen. The man had given him a Direct Message again. He knew that disobeying would mean certain doom for all involved, or at the very least for him. He placed his fingers on the keys and began typing.

Gordon Freeman today at 3:04 PM

of course

what kind of nsfw should i post

G-Man today at 3:04 PM

Any kind of Not Safe For Work and/or illicit content. Preferably ones involving the inhabitants of the border world or the researchers at Black Mesa.

I shall... arrange some assistance for you, in order to make things easier.

What kind of assistance was he talking about? The researcher thought. Nevertheless, he decided to click on the main channel and began to scroll through his pictures.

Ah, found it. He clicked on an image of a Houndeye humping a researcher wearing an HEV suit. He then hit the Enter key.

Dr. Freeman today at 3:15 PM

*Dr. Freeman sent an attachment.*

Dr. Cross today at 3:16 PM

Gordon. When I find you, I swear to God I will beat your balls in so badly that even the HEV suit won't be able to fix it.

Headcrab today at 3:16 PM

*Headcrab sent an attachment.*

Headcrab today at 3:16 PM

*Headcrab sent an attachment.*

Headcrab Zombie today at 3:17 PM

*Headcrab Zombie sent an attachment.*

Dr. Vance today at 3:17 PM

gordon! what have you done!?

Dr. Kleiner today at 3:17 PM

my god

we have finally learned about how the aliens from Xen procreate! this is an amazing breakthrough!

Agent Otis today at 3:17 PM

GOOD LORD THERES PORN EVERYWHERE

Dr. Allen today at 3:18 PM

WHY IS THERE PORN EVERYWHERE

FREEMAN

ANSWER ME

Vortigaunt today at 3:18 PM

*Vortigaunt sent an attachment.*

Agent Chinner today at 3:19 PM

what the fuck?

BM VOX today at 3:19 PM

Any moderation team to #general, immediately!

* * *

The man stared at the screen, lips curled into a smirk. He had finally done the deed. Now he just had to wait for the next opportunity to arise.

G-man today at 3:45 PM

Good work, Mr. Freeman. I shall allow you to rest, until the next assignment.

He then glanced back at the server. Ah, it was gone. No matter, he shall simply take someone else's account. After all, he was nigh omnipotent. Nobody could do anything to him, apart from those pesky Vortigaunts.

After taking someone else's account, he clicked on the server in order to read everything.

Hm. It was deleted.

The man checked the other servers, including the one for (most) of the planet.

**15 years later**

What's this? He thought. Combine? Ah, these were the ones that his employers also wanted him to rid of.

Of course.

He then took control of someone else's account. Time for some more fun.

Ordinal today at 5:30 AM

Behold, our beautiful Overwatch.

*Ordinal sent an attachment.*

Overwatch today at 5:31 AM

You will regret this.

Echo One today at 5:32 AM

man i want to bang the overwatch so badl

I MEAN WAIT WAIT

I WAS JUST JOKING

NO NO

Civil Protection today at 5:33 AM

lol youre so fucked

Overwatch today at 5:34 AM

You have been chosen for permanent off-world relocation.

Both of you.

Civil Protection today at 5:35 AM

wait, me or the guy who said he wanted to bang you?

Wallhammer today at 5:36 AM

No, she's talking about Echo One and the Ordinal that posted pornographic imagery of her.

Civil Protection today at 5:36 AM

oh

The man snickered as he watched the chaos unfold. Now he could see why his employers wanted to get rid of the Combine this way.

It was simply too entertaining.

He kept doing this several more times, seeing as how he didn't face any consequences for it.

Combine Grunt today at 5:30 PM

*Combine Grunt sent an attachment.*

Overwatch today at 5:30 PM

You. Off-world reassignment. Now.

Combine Grunt today at 5:31 PM

wait shit my account got hacked

pleas edont

Combine Grunt today at 5:34 PM

poor idiot

The G-Man was about to continue fucking around with the Combine, when...

"Freeze!" A mechanical voice shouted behind him.

He quickly moved to teleport, however he found his powers to be non functional.

Wait, what was that glow?

The man turned to look behind him. "Don't move!"

Ah, of course. It just had to be a group of Vortigaunts.

The blue eyed soldier moved up to him, before restraining him. "Overwatch, we have detained the anti citizen."

Well, shit.


End file.
